07.19.08
Posted in Family and Friends at 1:21 pm by soulseeker.di
Can I just say this: Ang hirap magpalaki ng nakakatandang kapatid (it’s so hard to raise an older sibling)!
I’ve always had more sense than my two older siblings combined. I’m the middle child in a brood of six (although my birth order is somewhat complicated). But ever since I started working at the age of 21 (when my older siblings were either pursuing their second course or still finishing their first course), I became the de-facto panganay (eldest child). My older siblings count on me for support and advice. I take it upon myself to talk sense into them, and they respect my views, since I’m more grown up and I’m on a different wavelength, compared to them. But right now, I’m not sure if I know exactly what to do.
My best friend and I probably had a premonition when we talked about my family and my fears regarding my siblings during her visit last month. One of my biggest fears just came true. I just found out about it tonight.
I’m going to be an auntie soon. And I’m the only one who knows about it, for now. After all, it’s an unwanted pregnancy involving one of my older siblings. I actually anticipated it. The moment we sat down, I just asked this particular sibling if we were about to discuss someone’s pregnancy, and I got a wordless nod for an answer. Surprisingly, I took the news well…and calmly, even if I wanted to reiterate the value of responsible, safe sex. It’s too late for that now.
Now, I don’t judge, and those who know me can attest to that. But I can’t deny the fact that I have mixed feelings about the entire situation. A baby is always a blessing, I suppose, regardless of the parents’ civil status. But what can you do if the parents aren’t even financially stable, to begin with, and their own parents may refuse to give them the support they thought they’d get?
I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.
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06.30.08
Posted in Family and Friends, Kwentong Buhay, Random Musings at 2:01 pm by soulseeker.di
I was supposed to update this blog regarding what I’ve been up to since my last entry–like my new job as a college professor and some research and editing rakets, the research grants I was surprised to receive, the get-togethers and trips I’ve taken with my family, and my gimiks with my friends. But so much has happened over the past week or so. I came face to face with the reality of death, in that I lost two friends in the same week and now I’m struggling with the experience of having a close relative who is terminally ill.
- A, one of my friends and batchmates from college, committed suicide nine days ago. At the age of 28, she was a newbie lawyer. I wish I could have gone out with her. I found out she had been struggling with depression over the past three years. I really can’t judge her for taking her life. May her soul rest in peace.
- A few days after I went to A’s wake, I found out that Grandma P, one of my friends from the Native American community in Chicago, had passed away. I don’t know the exact cause of her death, but it was probably due to old age. I know she’s in a happy place now, where she’s one with the Great Mystery. I just wish I had been able to see her before I left for Ethiopia, and then the Philippines. She was a dear friend and I did consider her my surrogate grandma. She used to tease me a lot after seeing me CRY SO HARD during a prayer service because my sister had gone back home a few hours before our meeting. I just realized that the last time that I could have visited Grandma P when she was still alive was in August of 2007, shortly after I moved back in with my aunt. I wanted to make the trip to the Native American center of which she was a part, but I was so freakin’ busy then. I also didn’t want to impose on my aunt–that is, I didn’t want her to drive me to and from the train station on a weekend. So I stayed put. Now Grandma P is gone and while I know she’s smiling at me–and perhaps teasing me–from above, I still miss her. Rest in peace, Grandma P.
- One of my closest uncles–a surrogate father, in a way–is dying. He was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, and the cancer has spread through his body. I went home to Tacloban for the weekend to attend the fiesta, and I visited him before I left for the airport. It was a short but meaningful visit. He told me that if he could talk to God and be given the chance to live his life once again, he would still choose my dad as his brother. He added, “Ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin kong favorite niece (I’d still choose you as my favorite niece).” Oh Lord. We both started bawling when he said that. At least I was able to thank him for everything. I just don’t know if I’m prepared to lose him, though.
I guess we’re never completely prepared to lose the people we love, no matter what. So let me grieve. 
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04.27.08
Posted in Family and Friends, Gimiks and Getaways at 3:22 am by soulseeker.di
I’m leaving for China in less than 18 hours, with my mom, grandparents, and aunts and cousins on both my mom’s and dad’s side of the family. We’ll be visiting Beijing and Shanghai for a week. I’ll be back on May 4th.
I’m turning 28 (YUCK!!! Ang tanda ko na, as in!!) in three days. And I just realized I’ll be celebrating my birthday in a foreign land again, for the sixth time in a row. Before I moved back home, I thought I’d celebrate my 28th birthday here, and I even planned to do something special with my friends in CIW. Well, life had other plans. Hopefully, I’m still gonna do something with my friends in CIW when I get back.
Anyhow, I’m thankful for the chance to travel once again. And I’m thankful my mom hasn’t asked me to pay for my share of my plane ticket yet. She told me to just take care of my pocket money for now, hehe 
I love my mom–she’s such a sweetheart After my trip to China, I will have visited 14 countries. Yay
GOD HELP ME. I have so much work to finish before my trip. I have to finish writing the draft of a monograph on reproductive health for one of my friends, who is probably about to strangle me. And I haven’t packed yet. Heck, I haven’t even withdrawn cash yet (hopefully, the ATM machines here can read my debit card from the States. I used my debit card when I was in Amsterdam, Istanbul, and Dubai last year, and I was able to withdraw funds, albeit in the local currency. I hope my debit card will work here, as well).
I better end here because I’m not making any sense. It’s almost 230AM in the Philippines, for crying out loud.
But before I go, here are some pictures of my most recent trip–the faculty outing in Bohol.
Snorkeling in Balikasag Island…Peace, dudes!
Visiting the Chocolate Hills with Ate L, the librarian, and my former teachers-turned-colleagues
I know I’m on the chubby side…but I’m still beautiful, haha Someone considers me the “muse” of the faculty *wink* Tama ba ‘yon? I take that as a compliment kasi medyo self-absorbed ang taong ‘yun…pero love ko pa rin siya, haha
Peace!
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04.23.08
Posted in Love life at 11:55 am by soulseeker.di
My Version of Kat’s Poem in the movie Ten Things I Hate About You
I hate the way you don’t take time out to talk to me,
And the way you make my temper flare.
I hate the way you gloss over our many issues.
I hate it when you act like you don’t care.
I hate the way you sometimes ignore me even when you know I’m online,
And the way you manage to read my mind.
I hate you so much, it makes me sick
But to your shortcomings, I remain so blind.
I hate the way you insist you’re right.
I hate it when you refuse to talk about the feelings you continue to deny.
I hate the way our memories still make me laugh,
Even worse when your actions make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
And the fact that you rarely give me a “missed call.”
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.
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04.20.08
Posted in Family and Friends at 12:15 pm by soulseeker.di
Hi Rina! I miss you, sobra. Thank you for keeping me sane. *mwah*
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04.19.08
Posted in Gimiks and Getaways, Love life, Random Musings at 11:21 am by soulseeker.di
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Posted in Love life at 11:14 am by soulseeker.di
God knows how feelings just blossom and die. I’m not in love with Borderline anymore…thanks be to God I have to admit that I still love her, but I don’t have the same feelings for her as before. I still wish she would be (or had been) more upfront with me because I don’t know if she was just playing with my emotions for sometime. But I’ve learned to accept more and more the things I can’t change, only by the grace of God.
It’s just sad because I don’t know what will become of our friendship–the only thing worth keeping after everything we’ve been through. Our friendship started to become shaky ever since I came back because of a certain two-faced, jealous creep who just likes to interfere with our relationship (I bet he’d be so thrilled if he finds out that he’s the only reason why Borderline and I get into misunderstandings, like what happened almost three weeks ago). We’re both trying to save the friendship and we both hope our friendship won’t be affected by our past issues and misunderstandings. But it’s so awkard.
Maybe we’ll be okay. Maybe we won’t. All I know is that I’m so ready to move on. And if someone, no matter how close we were before, makes me cry or feel bad about myself most of the time, maybe I’m better off without that person…at least until she comes around.
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04.15.08
Posted in CIW, Family and Friends, Gimiks and Getaways, Grad School Life, Kwentong Buhay, Love life, Madretiks at 8:55 am by soulseeker.di
Before anything else, belated Happy Easter to everyone. There’s nothing like Easter to remind me that love is stronger than suffering, fear, and death. When we “stand erect in our sorrows,” as Henri Nouwen put it, we are united with Jesus and Mary. We just have to trust that God will lift us up as S/He raised Christ from the dead.
***
So much has happened since my last entry. Some events and experiences made me really happy, while the others just about broke my heart. Read on…
- Holy Week with the madretiks–I ended up spending Holy Week with my nun-friends. My family went to the province, but I stayed behind. Sr. B, who went back to her home country, Japan, on Easter Monday, wanted to go for Visita Iglesia while she was still here, and asked me to accompany her. I said yes (even if some of my relatives and co-teachers alike questioned my decision), since she had never done this religious practice before and I wanted to spend time with her anyway, before her departure. My other nun-friends from Sr. B’s community tagged along. I was happy just to see them. They were equally happy to see me, especially since I hadn’t been in touch prior to Holy Week and most of them thought I had already gone back to the States without saying goodbye. Some, like Sr. T, even felt bad about it. Since I was home alone for Holy Week, I ended up going to church with the sisters. I even stayed the night at their place after attending the Easter Vigil with them. Sr. B and I also went to the sisters’ main convent on Easter Sunday, and I was happy just to see a lot of nun-friends I hadn’t seen for a long time. Several of them teased me: “Kailan ka ba papasok (when are you entering the convent)?” I just smiled at them–my usual response. But I was really touched when Sr. S told me, “Basta, kahit anong piliin mo, Diane, nandito lang kami para sa iyo (whatever you choose, Diane, we’re here for you).”
- Getting sick right after Holy Week–I came down with a very high fever right after Easter Sunday. It wasn’t a surprise, considering how stressed out I was at work and sleep-deprived, even on Holy Week. I missed a day of work, but came in for the rest of the week because I had to finish my students’ grades before the faculty outing that weekend. Good thing my supervisor was very patient with me. But that’s another story
- Getting into a fight with Borderline–Maybe I’ll save this for another post. All I can say is that I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal if I don’t get along with her (former) special guy-friend, especially if he antagonizes me and makes me feel bad for being close to her. Lintik! (I dunno how to translate this.) I don’t force her to get along with my friends whenever they get jealous of each other, so why can’t she let me be? We’re on speaking terms now, but it’s so awkward. We used to be so close, even after I confessed my feelings for her, but our relationship has deteriorated over the past couple of months. Our friendship is on the rocks, even if we’re both trying to save it. And it’s hurting me so much.
- My special guy got ordained–And I was there to witness it. I was happy to see him at the altar in his priestly robes, but for some reason, I still felt someone was ripping my heart into pieces the whole time. I got my closure, though. And I’m closer to him and his family now. I just laugh whenever I tell other people about how his ordination went because there were a lot of poignant, funny, and bittersweet moments. I had to attend the graduation at the school where I taught later in the afternoon, and it’s a wonder my eyes weren’t puffy, considering that I cried throughout the mass.
- Bohol Trip–I left for Bohol with my co-teachers, the principal, my former English teacher, and the librarian the morning after my special guy’s ordination and the seniors’ graduation. I didn’t get much sleep the night before our flight so I slept a lot during the flight and our first day in Bohol. But I had the time of my life in Bohol. Some highlights of my trip include: snorkeling in Balikasag Island, drinking tuba at the boatman’s house afterward, drinking, smoking, and bonding almost every night with some co-teachers, visiting the bee farm and Chocolate Hills and several churches, and cryptic moments with someone Maybe I’ll save this for another post, too. *wink*
- Getting funding–The morning after I got back from Bohol, I found out that my school gave me an award called the Community Stewards Fellowship this semester, in recognition of my work with women formerly on death row. It’s smaller than the other grants I applied for, but it still means a lot and it’s almost enough to pay for my tuition next year. Thanks be to God.
- Getting three different job offers–Two of the jobs are based here, while the other is my former job in the States. I’m leaning toward going back to the States, if I get accepted. But I’m the only kid in the house right now, so my parents will be alone if I leave Lord, help me make up my mind.
- Dinner with the supervisor and two co-teachers–They treated me out to dinner as an early birthday gift. It was my supervisor’s idea. Ahem
- Meeting up with my ex(es)–I hang out with my second ex regularly because we’re still friends, but I met up with my first ex the other day. That was the first time we had seen each other in four years, but I had to say goodbye once again. She just left for South Africa to get married. She wants me to visit her. It’s so funny…we still like each other, in a weird way. First love never dies? I miss her I’ve been missing her all this time. She told me she missed me, too. I really hope I can visit her someday.
- Visiting CIW–Need I say more? I love my friends there. And I love Mama C so much. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She keeps me sane, as in. I love the way I can tell her anything, even my crazy antics and my funny and ridiculous love life, and she wouldn’t judge me. I can cry to her about anything, and she’d just listen to me and assure me that everything will be all right. I really hope we can talk this Sunday. We have so much to catch up on.
- My love life–Well, I’m not in a relationship, but I still have a love life. There’s another person in my life right now. Haha I don’t know what will become of us, but I cherish what we share.
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03.19.08
Posted in Love life, Random Musings at 7:53 pm by soulseeker.di
It’s a bit strange for me to have and express such thoughts on Holy Week, of all times. But lately, I’ve been wondering, what would be more painful:
- Giving up someone all for the love of God; or
- Knowing (or at least sensing) that someone has to give you up all for the love of God?
I also wonder what God thinks of all this. Does God hurt as much as the person/s concerned? Or does God simply not give a damn? I hope the latter isn’t true, even when God seems silent or absent sometimes.
I’ve been so cynical (bitter?) lately about love, relationships, and even friendships…especially those with a “spiritual” dimension. Maybe it has a lot to do with the close friends who have been hurting me in one way or another. But that’s another story. Right now, all I can say is that what I’m going through is KILLING me. I know God’s there, but I just can’t feel His/Her presence these days. I hope this will pass.
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02.29.08
Posted in Grad School Life, Mi Trabajo at 9:38 am by soulseeker.di
Sad. Frustrated. Uncertain.
These words describe my feelings right now.
This morning, I found out that I got selected as an ALTERNATE for the dissertation fellowship I had applied for last month. I was really hoping and praying I’d get it so I wouldn’t have to worry about my finances for the coming school year, and so I could have an extra year to work on my dissertation, as opposed to cramming it in a couple of months so as to graduate by the end of the year. Unless someone declines the award or gets disqualified, there’s no way I can get the fellowship.
Did I mention how frustrated I am right now?
I don’t want to wish ill on any of the award recipients, but I really wish one of them would get a better, more generous dissertation fellowship VERY SOON and decline the award, so I could get it. God knows how much I need the money. I applied for another dissertation fellowship and a smaller grant. But the other dissertation fellowship is even more competitive, so I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t even know if I’ll get the smaller grant I applied for.
I didn’t get to turn in one dissertation fellowship application–another competitive one at that–last month because I was really busy with my new job as a substitute teacher around the time of the deadline, so I didn’t have time to put my application together. I also didn’t get to apply for another fellowship because I got confused about the guidelines, and I wasn’t sure if I was eligible. The deadline for that fellowship application is today. Besides, taking care of grant applications from overseas is such a hassle.
I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know if I should quit my job and cram my dissertation so I can finish it by August or December. But I can’t imagine NOT working and living off my very limited savings or begging from my parents for the next couple of months. Too bad, because part of me was considering re-applying to the school I work for right now, despite some issues that have come up very recently.
I e-mailed the professors who wrote my recommendation letters. One of them just got back to me. Her e-mail was very comforting:
“Bad judgment on their part, but it still an honor to get selected as alternate and you just never know.”
I hope things work out in the end. Pray for me.
Addendum:
Today, I heard from the other dissertation fellowship I applied for. Well, their letter was dated February 14th, but I only received it today. I didn’t get the grant either. :( What a wonderful post-Valentine present.
I wonder if I should just quit working and cram my dissertation, so I can finish it by the end of the year and move on with my life. I just talked to my mom, who got back from Singapore this morning. She told me she’d give me a year to finish my dissertation. At least she understands how it can be tricky to finish my degree in the middle of the school year, especially if I want to apply for optional practical training (read: something that would allow me to work in the US for 10 months). She just doesn’t want the process to take forever. She’s worried that might happen if I continue working at my former high school.
Then again, quitting my job doesn’t seem like a bad idea right now. I had the worst day at school–I found out that several students cheated in the quiz I gave them the other day. Two of them admitted what they did, while the rest denied cheating during the quiz. Sometimes I wonder if teaching those brats has been worth it this whole time. God knows how I could have accomplished so many other things.
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